Breaking news: The President is a cat killer … as well


How dare he? This, this, this monster called Asif Ali Zardari. How dare he shave when millions of Pakistani men are struggling to afford decent razors, blades, shaving foam and aftershave?

If he is not Muslim enough to keep a beard, then he should at least keep a sombre stubble, for heaven’s sake.

But no sir, such sensitive gestures cannot be expected from this lecherous, insensitive, vile vermin of a man. The man behind all political crises in Pakistan; behind all that is corrupt in this country; behind all the air crashes, cricket defeats and scandals, and missing manholes in our pious little mighty and manly republic!

Shame on him. And on those teeth of his. Always showing while smiling. How can he smile at a time when most Pakistanis are frowning? In fact, he should not have any teeth at all. He should give them away to those who have lost their teeth.

We are an unfortunate nation. Unfortunate, unfortunate, unfortunate. And did I mention, unfortunate? These insensitive brutes, also known as politicians, keep talking about democracy. I ask, what has democracy given us? This, this, this monster?

I am shaking with anger. Tears are rolling down (my unshaven) cheeks as I write this. This is an outrage. Also because Zardari killed my cat. And the papaya tree that my neighbour, Jamal Sahib, was so proud of. Dead, dead, dead. And dead. All because of Zardari.

Look at him, he’s actually wearing spectacles. How many Pakistanis with bad eyesight can afford spectacles? Mr. President, please show some concern. Kindly demonstrate some empathy towards those who can’t see very well. As a gesture you should dispose those spectacles of yours, as well as your teeth and shaving.

Just last night TV channels were showing the President walking towards a press conference. Can you believe that? He was WALKING! The man has the audacity to show-off his legs. Isn’t he aware about the thousands of Pakistanis who cannot walk? He should not be allowed to been seen walking. Ever. It reeks of insensitivity.

We, the obviously incorruptible, morally sound, seriously concerned, passionately patriotic (and a tad overweight) folks of the middle-class civil society of Pakistan and the media appeal to the people to boycott all Pakistanis who were born in August – the unfortunate, unfortunate, unfortunate month of Zardari’s diabolical birth. All those born in August should be shunned. No birthday gifts and cards for them. No cake. Let them eat bread.

I just cannot understand this President. He shaves, has teeth, legs, and what is more, he uses his HANDS to eat! I have seen it with my own eyes, on TV.

How can he use his hands? I know so many Pakistanis who do not have any hands whatsoever. Obviously we cannot expect this unprincipled, uncouth, unwise and worse of all, elected President, to show some solidarity with the disabled people by getting his own hands amputated – but at least he can keep them away (along with his legs) from the sad view of the wretched public.

How can a President of a country with so many toothless and disabled people appear on TV with teeth, hands and legs? And not only does he have glasses, but he has eyes too! Can you imagine what all those blind Pakistanis go through when they are told that the President has eyes and can see? Shame, I say. Shame, shame, shame. And shame.

And what can we say about his speeches, or rather speech. Nay, his ability to speak. Do you not feel cheated when you see that the President can actually speak. That is why we – the obviously morally-superior, silent majority folks – hate him. He speaks while trillions of us remain silent. He has taken our tongues away. And my cat.

But we shall remain quiet no more. Enough is enough is enough is unfortunate and unfortunate is enough, so enough said. We are coming out. First from our bedrooms, then homes, then offices and onto Facebook!

Because remember, brave civil society folks, it was through Facebook that we conquered Israel and India; plotted the mighty Musharraf’s return; defeated all anti-Islam/Pakistan/Pakola forces, and vanquished Zardari and Altaf Hussain over and over again.

But remember, friends. We are above men like Zardari. We feel the pain of the people of Pakistan. So whatever you do, use your eyes, teeth, hands and legs wisely and without any pomp. Crawl, instead of walk; shave as little as possible (this goes for the women too); use one eye at a time, and never both at the same time; never show your teeth; and swallow at once when you eat instead of chewing; and do not use your hands. They should remain tied or strapped.

Not only do we need to conserve all these resources, but we have to show sympathy to those who are not blessed with them.

And I want my cat back, you cat-killer!